This might be controversial to some of you and it swims against the tide of general sentiment now towards mental health issues. Frequent campaigns tell us that we are not alone and we should talk about our issues as it always helps to share what’s going on and not bottle it up inside.

On the face of it, it sounds like sensible advice, and yes if you do have people in your life you feel you can confide in, you should. But this blanket statement applied to everyone in every situation, is to me, quite dangerous and can be more harmful than good.

I recently spoke to a close friend of mine, who has many wonderful qualities but perhaps a bit lacking in emotional intelligence. I instantly regretted telling him about how I’m feeling, that I feel trapped here and struggling with life. He suggested moving abroad again but I mentioned that my wife is doing really well at work and my daughter is thriving at school. He laughed off my complaints as a first world problem. Boo hoo, my wife got promoted. Wah wah my daughter is happy at school. Ultimately missing the point that of course I wouldn’t wish anything else for my family but ultimately that’s THEIR situation and not the one I find myself in. If they weren’t settled, it would make the justification to move somewhere else much easier.

I was initially quite irritated with his response but then took some time to reflect and understood why he saw it that way. He just simply doesn’t see life the same way I do and his situation is entirely different. He hasn’t shared the same experiences as me and has a different mindset to achieving his goals and has entirely different life ambitions. Some things that would make me deeply unhappy would not bother him in the slightest. Part of it was probably an intention to tell me some ‘harsh truths’ and partly just his lack of a filter which has gotten him into trouble with others many times!

But it was an interesting insight both into myself and perhaps the limits of a friendship where I needed to ask myself what I am actually looking for in a response before actually sharing my innermost thoughts.

You will have people in your life who tell you what you want to hear. They will be relentlessly positive and supportive and believe you can overcome any obstacle ahead of you. They may live their own life that way or just parrot what they think is the right thing to say with all the right intentions. But that might not be what you need. Things might just fcking suck and you just want someone who will agree with you and empathise. On the flip side, if no one ever challenges you on your negative thinking cycles, you don’t come out of it either.

You may have people in your life who have their own chaotic mess of a situation and their own problems to deal with. Conversations with them might end up being a game of one upmanship into who has it shittier and it turns around to it being you listening to their problems for the lion’s share of the conversation. Any good friendship should be a mutual appreciation of each other’s situation and being there for your friend but there are times when if you are struggling, you might need a bit more focus than usual.

I have a friend who tells his life story to everyone he meets, the first time he meets them. I’ve met others like this and something about this behavior irritates me immensely. I don’t begrudge anyone confiding intimate details of their life if they feel comfortable enough to do so with me, but doing that when barely knowing a person, in a way, devalues the importance of the story being told and becomes a badge of identity that subconsciously that person isn’t actually looking to overcome.

Someone I met for the first time, within ten minutes told me about her heroin addiction, losing her children temporarily and her battles with self harm. These are all tragic and difficult things to have happened but I’m a stranger. You don’t know me and what response do you want me to give you when I’ve just known you 10 minutes and have zero context for this. I am not the person to be giving you advice or life lessons!

I don’t have a problem sharing when asked but I try not to voluntarily share my innermost thoughts for the most part. For a few reasons

1) Some of the things I’m worried about don’t have a ready solution and I try to be practically oriented about trying to solve a situation and don’t feel that talking through it repeatedly is going to help

2) It’s just not the time or place to do it. Everyone is having a good time or wanting a light hearted conversation and I don’t want to kill the buzz quite honestly. I could also do with a laugh or a change of topic to get my mind off things

3) Following on from this, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable by being self indulgent about my own problems and turning it into something about me. My own issues bore me so why should I expect anyone to sustain interest in the same topics over and over again

So I really don’t think its as simple as talking through your problems is somehow going to make everyone feel better. There’s a time, there’s a place and there are specific people you should talk to if you have something you actually want to achieve out of the conversation.

If you don’t, sometimes the best way might be to reflect a little more on your troubles, read, write down your thoughts, distract yourself for a little while with something else and come back to it. Some of those problems might eventually get solved, some might not

The things that have helped me with my battle with depression are exercise, meditation, drugs (of both the legal and illegal kind) and sleep. The only ‘therapy’ I’ve tried that has helped me is hypnotherapy and mindfulness and not the traditional talking therapies. But that’s not to say it isn’t effective for others. It’s just not something I’ve personally found helpful.



I know some of you won’t agree on this but am curious if this resonates with anyone else out there, who’s been told to talk about their issues and It hasn’t helped.